6.10.05

Separados à Nascença


Pela primeira vez, uns trigémeos e, talvez por isso, as parecenças
se esgotem no facto de serem ‘três
carecas com pêras grisalhas’.

Paulo Coelho – Escritor seca. Quando era novo, iluminado por ideais e manias, quis fundar a ‘sociedade alternativa’, uma utopia anárquica, no estado de Minas-Gerais. Por muito que eu tenha fé que qualquer coisa vinda de Minas-Gerais seja capaz de mudar o mundo, estava mais que visto que este era mais um movimento social destinado a, como todos os outros, terminar em suicídio colectivo à passagem de um qualquer meteorito. Mas a Polícia Militar achou melhor terminar aquilo o quanto antes e meter tudo na prisão a experimentar torturas novas. Depois, Paulo foi para a Holanda onde conheceu uma pessoa a quem apelidou de ‘J’ em vários livros posteriores. ‘J’ tornou-se no mestre de Paulo Coelho e fê-lo ver a luz, tornando-o num fiel devoto da fé cristã. É ordem natural das coisas. Hoje anarquista, amanhã beato. Em ambos os casos, sodomita compulsivamente abusado. Depois, é o que toda a gente sabe. Começa a escrever livros com títulos execráveis e conteúdos semelhantes em catadupa. Conquista fãs em todo o mundo, inclusive celebridades com uma assinalável craveira intelectual, como sejam Sharon Stone, Madonna e Will Smith. ‘My favourite Writer? Paul Rabbit’, costumam responder estas e outras estrelas a Mário Augusto.

Peter Gabriel – Músico inglês. Se está farto de ouvir o Phil Collins com as suas baladas melosas e que encheram os Hit Parade de 88 a 92, culpe este ‘Pedro Gabriel’. Essencialmente porque, se ele não tem deixado os Genesis, ainda hoje o Collins estava dissimulado, e sobretudo calado, atrás de uma bateria. Em meados dos anos 80, Pedro lança o ‘teledisco’ mais genial da história da música: o divinal e indestronável ‘Sledgehammer’. Mas nem isso o safa ou nos faz esquecer que é ele o culpado de o Phil Collins cantar. Sim, nem a genialidade do ‘Sledgehammer’ amaina a dor que se sente de cada vez que se ouve o ‘Groovy kind of love’ ou o ‘Another day in paradise’. Bem, Peter também andou com a Rosanna Arquette e com a Sinead O’Connor, e consta que, afinal, estar na cama com uma gaja que diga ‘pente um’ sempre que vai ao cabeleireiro, é mesmo assustador e perigoso, quanto mais não seja porque quem estiver a espreitar – e sim, está sempre alguém a espreitar – pode muito bem indagar desconfiado ‘oh, diacho, mas aquilo são dois homens?’. E depois cria-se um boato chato. Já agora, ‘Pedro Gabriel’ veio ao Rock in Rio Lisboa e, diz quem sabe, que tem andado com a sua t-shirt ‘Eu vou’ desde essa altura.

Billy Joel – É um cantor que usa muitos pianos, mas, ao contrário de outros, não é um gay obcecado com óculos, nem preto e cego, muito menos fez um solo interminável no ‘Light my fire’, não tendo também aparecido nu na Nova Gente com um chapéu de ‘cowboy’ ou casado com a Valentina Torres. A sua música mais célebre chama-se ‘Uptown girl’ e foi na rodagem do vídeo que conheceu uma mulher bem acima das suas das possibilidades e com quem viria a contrair matrimónio: Christie Brinkley, a sumptuosa assistente que ajuda Chuck Norris a vender aparelhos de ginástica madrugada adentro. Quando era gaiato, farto de ser enfiado no cacifo e de ser baptizado diariamente na sanita da escola, chegou a ter lições de boxe e iniciou mesmo uma carreira no mundo do pugilismo, mas um murro mais poderoso nas ventas, que acabou por lhe redesenhar o septo nasal, fê-lo virar-se para definitivamente para as cantorias. Alcoólico inveterado, mas vertebrado, Billy tem prejudicado bastante a sua carreira e, actualmente, é habitual vê-lo, perdido de bêbado, adormecer em cima do teclado do seu piano durante os espectáculos, criando um efeito sonoro mais ao menos semelhante àquele que se obtém quando alguém desmaia em cima do volante do carro.

45 comentários:

Mat disse...

Adora a música "Honesty" do Billy Joel, vou por aqui o refrão para toda gente poder cantar.

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

Mat disse...

Se a ex-mulher do Billy apareceu nas televendas (que tinha a mitica frase; "Are you so tough as they say, Chuck?") então foi por causa do
mr. Joel que não abriu a mão,
para dinheiros de alimentação!!!

Pedro disse...

Não há post em que este bêbado não se ponha a cantar… já pareces o Herman José cá do sítio, pá!

Já agora, sabias que ex-senhora Billy Joel já tem 51 anos?

Mat disse...

Não.

Pedro disse...

Mas tem...

João disse...

A forma das pêras tem uma ralação directa com a dos narizes, ò reparem lá s.f.f.

Tiago disse...

Para mim, melhor que a Witchy Woman, Witch a Woman, ou Desperado, só mesmo a Salsbury Hill. Boas recordações de a ouvir perdida nas cassetes da minha mãe, mesmo ao lado de Boney M e da Tina Turner!

Tiago disse...

Hum, Solsbury. Obrigado Google.

André Batista disse...

excelente blog hein?! see ya

Pedro disse...

A última pessoa que ouvi a dizer ‘hein?’ no fim das frases já morreu...

Telmo disse...

Foi espancado ate a morte por dizer hein no fim das frases?

Telmo disse...

Hein?

Pedro disse...

Morreu 'de maluco'! Parece que o Hein era o amigo imaginário dele... a quem ele sempre mostrava coisas, para depois perguntar 'e esta, Hein?'.

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